Orgasm Frequency

New Sex Horizons

Can a Man Ejaculate too much?

 

Disclaimer: This article endeavors to review the shadow side of male orgasm and how retention of ejaculation is beneficial. I am not against self-pleasure. Please read my other piece on how important I think pleasure is in the male experience (https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/five-reasons-for-men-to-self-pleasure-fiff/). However, it is my impression men are taught that orgasming as much as they want is without harm – even beneficial. I disagree.

Energy spent is energy spent. Whether it be money or resources or emotions, if spent unwisely, the possibility of a generous return weakens.

As a sex therapist and tantric practitioner, I have found in research and in my own body there is strong evidence against unabated ejaculating, especially as we age.

The misinformation starts young.

We learn in school that having an orgasm produces two things: babies and pleasure. Some households and educational institutions avoid the latter sentiment altogether. My sixth-grade teacher in a public school taught us reproduction. Her discourse covering the pleasure side of sex was summarized as “when the man’s penis enters the vagina, he moves it around and it feels good for the woman.” Simple, yet vastly limiting.

Adolescence sees the advent of social ideation and cultural pressures. We only need to be smart, strong, handsome, an effective communicator, well-endowed, well-dressed, skilled in the art of bedding a woman, have lots of sex, push past our limits in sports, reel in those good grades, succinctly please your parents, and just be happy dammit, but stay away from bad crowds and having too much fun. And for God sakes, get to church or at least get a part-time job. Then, and only then, might someone love you and happiness have a chance.

How do orgasms fit in here?

What happens when we don’t feel “good enough” as young adventurers? We search for pleasure, again and again. Quick pleasure. Pleasure that allows us to feel good. Pleasure that produces power; something we mistake for happiness. A growing male need not worry about all those pressures. He can simply go to work below his belt.

Orgasm becomes associated with spontaneous acts of feeling good. Much like a drug, emotional outburst, or carb binge, it comes at a cost. Outward orgasming in men can include the following detriments:

  • Risk of unwanted pregnancy.
  • Ejaculation floods the brain with dopamine and oxytocin, resulting in a reduction and inhibition of these receptors. Shortly after there is a depletion in oxytocin and dopamine. The brain and body need time to recover.
    • Men don’t just roll over uninterested in their partner, but they do seek continual pleasure after orgasm due to the depletion in dopamine. Men are less likely to seek a bonding experience. Closeness and intimacy – meh.
    • Testosterone is antagonistic to oxytocin, the hormone that allows us to form emotional bonding. Testosterone floods the male brain during orgasm causing oxytocin depletion.
  • Reinforce outward flow, rather than body enlivening, energy flourishing inward and upward orgasms that are possible with training.
  • Energetic depletion in aging men, possible creative stagnation, and lack of ambition. It is rare (not impossible), to find a man in his forties who orgasms daily and does not experience a dullness or fatigue. Yet there are many men in their forties who have sex several times a month and never experience fatigue, but if they came daily would regret it.
  • Excessive orgasming is linked to mental health issues, nervous system malfunction, depression, anxiety, and even balding (although this last source needs closer evaluation).
  • We have been programmed through pornography and cultural milieu that how a man orgasms on, in, and at a woman is associated with power and dominance. From bragging rights in Varsity hallways, to Sunday football locker room chat, lobbing sperm is the mark of achievement and highly reinforcing, yet tainted with misogyny.
  • Reinforcing pleasure stimulation in the brain can promote unwanted impulsive behaviours in relationships, consumerism, drug/alcohol use, diet, and in emotional regulation.

What starts out as a simple exploration in pleasure can take an unexpected turn.

Yet in an era where the wisdom of antiquity is making an intriguing comeback, we may notice after some digging, that nearly every philosophical and spiritual system, most notably Eastern traditions and Western Esoteric Circles, teaches some form of ejaculation control for any aspirant wanting to improve their quality of life and connection to world/other. Perhaps none more than the Taoists promoted a sex positive, but “watch your orgasms dude!” approach to sex.

Current articles on the benefits of semen retention (for at least a 2 week period) include men boasting an increase in productivity, renewed enthusiasm for life, increased energy, more pronounced masculinity and confidence, and an increased ability to take healthy risks. Most of these articles are based on the personal experience of the writers, with very little scientific acumen. More research is required to verify these accounts to appease the public and scientific community at large.

Aside from the claims of these writers, I’ve endeavoured to list how semen retention can help you change not only change the planet, but your own personal world.

  1. Circulating orgasmic energy staves off depletion. By not flooding and consequently depleting our brains of bonding hormones, we are left desiring our partners more, feeling more securely attached, trusting, promoting a better environment for vulnerability – the secret ingredient to any healthy relationship. Going out into the world from an impassioned and trusting home is the secret ingredient to a healthy society.
  1. Bypassing orgasms reroutes unprofitable neural patterns. Rerouting pleasure circuitry in the brain reduces impulsive behaviours. Freed from a need for recurring pleasure allows us to utilize that “seeking” energy for other, more creative endeavors. Retaining orgasm mitigates the loss of energy, re-establishing creative spunk. The ease in which we move away from planet killing consumerism and narcissistic immediate gratification, largely depends on how strongly these pleasure patterns have hold. Working with non-ejaculatory sex can be one of the most far reaching exercises of prevention. If we can delay gratification when the pressure is most prominent, we can exercise restraint at the shopping mall with greater integrity.
  1. Non-goal orientated sex has lasting benefits. When we are less focussed on orgasm, we are automatically more focussed on our body, our partner, the aromas in the air, along with our other senses. Opening our awareness beyond goal oriented sex allows our partner to know we are really taking them in. Our enjoyment of everyday, moment by moment, experiences are enriched because we aren’t out to get something. We are simply appreciating the transparent beauty of life as it is, in all its intensities and subtleties.
  1. We can have sex more often. There is no refractory period. We are simply ready to go, tissue tested, and prepared. What better way to walk through life as well? Less can be more.
  1. Reduce unwanted pregnancies, greater pleasure, natural birth control. I am not claiming that sex without a condom will guarantee birth control. A woman and a man must know their body intimately. Not orgasming can greatly reduce pregnancy, coupled with a woman who can track her fertility, provides a strong childproof scenario without the need for condoms or chemically harmful birth control methods. Please watch out for STIs and make sure you are safe. Again, this method is not sure-fire and requires much self-study on the part of both partners, but when used properly is the most pleasurable.

Jul 04, 2017 No Comments
How to Be Remembered Like a Hero

How to Be Remembered Like a Hero

Words For Men

In many an ancient legend, forgetfulness of any kind was equivalent to death.

Within the volumes Greek lore, it follows that those who perish (with few exceptions) are ushered to Hades, the underworld. Its dead inhabitants, ruled by the god Pluto, found little solace in those dismal, grey, shadowy caves. Their respite from the darkness depended on the memories of those on the surface.

Those remembered by the denizens above, mostly heroes and notable figures, were given access to a region of Hades whose pastures endured the warm embrace of the sun. Those tragically cursed or forgotten were sent to the lower confines of Tartarus, a place of unspeakable darkness and decay.

In other legends, the Sirens, whose undulant choruses drew men to forget their true course, soothed many a sailor to their slumber, raking their devoured bones clean across those ancient hypnotic shores.

Narcotics and tropical pleasures gave loss to memories, forgetfulness of home and family, and dissolution of character. Tradition cautions us to forego dinner with the Lotus-eaters or nights on lusty islands.

If forgetting breeds synonyms with physical and psychological death, the act of remembrance provides a certain antidote. During a meeting with my local men’s group (Prometheus Men’s Group), we began recalling our earliest memories and discussed the importance of memory in masculinity. Here’s what we compiled:

  • Men who forget themselves in relationships typically dissolve into codependent, people-pleasers. They live for the “other,” usually their intimate partner, children, or work. Hence, they embark on a slow or rapid descent to some kind of death.
  • Forgetting our path digresses into the pursuit of money, sex, and possessions. Should a man give his power to others, he will consequently seek to exert power and control over the other to the same degree he has lost himself.
  • Men must face criticism to grow. Should they forget that they are a soul in progress, and that Earth is a factory of experience unconcerned with failures or gains, then these criticisms can cripple. Forgetting the larger picture, the cycle of breakdown and growth, sends us to early body or soul graves.
  • Remembering includes our instincts. Instinctual masculinity has oft been oppressed, and we have forgotten healthy anger, virile attractive libido, and the ability to share sadness, grief, and defeat.
  • Men who forget their childlike nature often surrender their zest for living.
  • As all Greek myths and legends serve as analogies to external worldly life, they also serve as parable to mental/psychic processes. They remind us to constantly seek our own remembrance. Summarily, heroes are not only remembered by others, they remember who they are, where they came from, and where to get information about where they are going. Heroes…
  • Remember that they must step into the unknown, into places they have never been before, and interact with things that are foreign. They also remember whence they came, and return from their adventures proud of their accomplishment yet grateful for those who supported their journey. They also remember to share their bounty.
  • Reclaim, on a regular basis, the idea that their divine nature exists, independent of religion, and that our gifts come from another place. Forgetting that we are much more than a body that likes to please its senses, avoid pain, and retain satisfaction constitutes a tremendous problem in the world today. Let us not forget that aside from our work, families, dreams, goals, religious obligations, aspirations, partnerships, interests, etc., we are here to expand our capacity to love ourselves and our experiences with increasing amplitude and compassion.
    Remember their defects, how terribly they might have treated this or that person, animal, or most importantly themselves; that in the spiral nature of life’s experiences, when they return to a similar encounter, they will choose love more skillfully, embracing the betterment of all beings.
  • Recall that our opinions and dreams are worth standing erect for. Each time we forget to stand firm in our intuitions, a little shard of our soul departs to the land of the dead, only to return when we remember it once more. The pillars that support the earth are never flaccid. Although the world may test them, heroes are virile. Even if later they are proven wrong, heroes know it was their truth in that particular moment, admit their folly, and stand by their current truth like strong oaks cling to the hillside during a tempest.
    Honor the memory of their ancestors, acknowledging that they are not an entire pie unto themselves, but a piece among a larger whole, a node amongst a webbed lineage, carrying the torch for the past, present, and future members.
  • Remembering where they come from eliminates egocentricity. We aren’t islands of heroism or defeat, we are simply doing the best with what we have, and making things better by remembering….
  • … the past, childhood, pleasant experiences, and, especially, victories and hard-fought triumphs. The cumulative effect of this anamnesis retrieves soul power, reminds heroes that we are more than the wounds we have been dealt, and that we are capable of becoming better than we are, despite loss of hope in outward appearance.
  • Purposely forget who they are from time to time. Whether it is by virtue of will, or a passing cloud, heroes consciously allow this forgetting to arise. When their horizons are familiar, heroes allow their minds to begin experiencing life, people, work, and their imagination for the first time, even if they are physically going through the same motions.
  • Remember to ask for help.

How will you be remembered? How do you remember yourself?

Feb 16, 2017 No Comments
5 Reasons for Men to Practice Self-Pleasure

5 Reasons for Men to Practice Self-Pleasure

Words For Men

What pleasures are you denying yourself?

How we hold ourselves back from pleasure is usually a good indicator of how we hold ourselves back in the pursuit of our dreams.

I’m not suggesting you indulge in a pathological state of constant self-gratification. Pleasure essentially means “something that is worth seeking.” The key word here is “worth,” which in my own imagination excludes any harm to another human being or compulsive behavior loops that destroy one’s health, integrity, or relationships.

After several years of working with my sexual energy, curbing desires, and letting go of hang-ups or add-ons, I have discovered a great deal about my life. The less we have, the easier we move through life. The more energy we give to our dreams, rather than discharging our life source through compulsive acts, debilitating emotions, or toxic relationships, the more success we will achieve. In this time I have built two successful business and am working on a third, but my sense of enjoyment has taken a toll. I got so busy that I forgot how to passionately please myself.

Then, I started reading Carl Jung’s autobiography, Memories, Dreams, Reflections. In it, he recounts a journey through Africa, where he compares the Western, controlled, rational mind to the passion of the locals he encountered, who were more meaningfully connected to the planet than the war-torn European-American world, with its rapid pace and rugged intellectualism.

I feel the need for us to return to the very bodies we came from, made of the same constituencies as the Earth, and to the passions that enliven them.

Do you?

Here are five reasons we as men need to provide ourselves with more pleasure:

  • Because pleasure is the opposite and only true antidote for shame and guilt. Most of us are shamed as children for all the methods we use to bring pleasure into our early high learning curve. We learned that feeling good is often times seen as bad in the eyes of those we love. One technique I have found to be useful is that when engaging in pleasure, whether it be through food, sex (with a partner or alone), exercise, dance, etc., is to mentally bring up an audience of all the people in your life who told you, in any way, that feeling good is bad or shameful. This could be your priest, grandmother, sister, teacher, or spiritual idol. Look into the eyes of each and smile, while indulging in the gifts of the flesh and claiming your birthright.
  • Because self-pleasure dampens our need for external sources of happiness. When we are single and find a good groove in our life, we begin to search for companionship. Then, all of a sudden, we start to notice all of the things our partners are or are not doing for us. We are faced with a predicament: What am I responsible for, and what I am not, in this partnership? The answer, interestingly enough, remains the same. We are always responsible for our own pleasure, our own happiness, and to validate our partner’s experience the way we have learned to validate our own. If we cannot self-pleasure, chances are we are riddled with some serious guilt. A partner cannot benefit from our guilt but will certainly bloom as we take charge of our self-care.
  • Because healthy men give out of excess rather than deficiency. One cannot give what one does not have. When you give what you do not have, you become codependent, people pleasing, and a candidate for all hosts of autoimmune disorders, depression, etc. These illnesses can be great teachers, and it is the life path for some to learn everything they can from these states, but for those of us wishing to thrive and replenish the world with our excess energy, pleasuring vitality, and passion, we must be full, investing and directing these power lines constantly inward.
  • Because a man who knows what he wants, and engages in what makes him feel good, is a pillar for lovers to hold onto and feel safe with. It is okay for a man to be unsure of himself from time to time. Uncertainty and doubt are human. But I believe it is important for an unsure man to at least be seeking and traveling through his ambiguity, rather than avoiding it. The best way to do this is to find that which gives him pleasure, especially to his body. One practice I have learned is to touch myself while not fantasizing or watching porn, but to discover, without any intention of orgasm (although that’s ok if it happens to happen). Dance while you work out. Allow your body to move in ways it never has. Soon, an assurance will dawn in you. You will become a Sun around which others will gladly orbit. Burn my friends, burn!
  • Because it is a way for men to drop from their minds into the body, from fantasies into senses, and from outward regard to inward love. The base of health exists in the body. If the body is compromised, the first culprits to look at are food, the state of mind, the economy of emotions, and the quality of our close relationships. Thus, relaxation of the body becomes paramount. One of the most effective ways to relax the body, curb thought storms, burn off emotional rubble, is to give your body pleasure. Take a vacation to the sun, get a massage, ask a lover to pleasure your sensitive areas, or snuggle with your child. I am of a mind that the greatest risk to men’s health is their outward focus, people/partner pleasing antics, work too hard, “impress all” attitude that makes us sick.  Reign in it fellow adventurers. Reign it in.

Unless we can create a pleasuring environment, both in and out, we leave ourselves susceptible to toxic partners (abusers, narcissists, etc.). We are also in danger of attaining victim attitudes, less than fulfilling lives, and thirsty bodies. When we create pleasure in our lives, we also teach our children how to do this; hence they will avoid the shame loops that keep so many of us trapped.

 

Oct 12, 2015 No Comments
Where Men Actually Fail to Commit: the Urgent Need for Self-Care

Where Men Actually Fail to Commit: the Urgent Need for Self-Care

Words For Men

Frankly, I’m confused by the concept of self-care. As a man, I have experienced self-care to be a frightening venture. Partners become threatened by it. Family members have scoffed. The large and looming message a man hears in today’s world is: If you take care of yourself you will be punished, lose relationships, and die a selfless, narcissistic, asshole.

What?!

Guys, self-care is the most absent, yet essentially important thing you can do to improve your life. It is here that we fail most in our commitment, and ignoring self-care is an unfortunate by-product of our culture.

Self-care is our new Helen of Troy. Seek her fully erect.

Let us declare, we will:

  • Love ourselves without condition. No matter what shade of thought or emotion enters our internal tide. We will lust, we will plot revenge, and we will face sledgehammering guilt, yet we will meet it with love as a Spartan meets his opponent in battle.
  • Make decisions for our health. Rather than chew our nails or our lips, we will drop whatever we feel is our duty, and make good, nourishing food, take naps, book appointments with our naturopath, buy insoles, get STI’s checked, and exercise.
  • Delete the abominable “shoulds” from our thoughts and words. There is nothing a man “should” do, but take care of his dreams and his health. Out of this fulfillment, the world will provide all else to bestow his excess affection and vitality upon.
  • Rush to our own aid. If we are feeling lonely and unloved, we will seek first the power of solitude. In this silence, with our breath, we will quest for that which cannot be explained—the mystery of our existence—until the Sun rises with clear light from our confusion. If this does not work we will seek out the company of other men, our second greatest resource. There we will talk about how we struggle to with our long-term relationships and less frequent sex, our guilt for our wandering eye, the intense need and illusion around what freedom really means, our closet addictions, and our secret contempt for the careers we are in but do not love.
  • We will take delight in our own self care. I will look at beautiful things. I will take pleasure because it is my birthright, not something to feel guilty about. I will eat my food and orgasm as if the whole world is watching, because we are not ashamed of pleasure.
  • After working on a project, hobby, or idea, we will start our own business, write a book, and create a way for our pleasure to become vocation. By caring for our dreams, we will become conscious entrepreneurs, fathers, friends, and citizens.
  • We will declare what we want and what we don’t like, for it is out of these two rivers, we are led back to Eden. We will first practice with validating friends and comrades, then, little by little, branch out. We will honor those who try to castrate us for having likes and dislikes, for they temper our will in the direction of our paradise. We will step boldly past them, and celebrate our victories.
  • We will find new ways to have fun that do not involve drinking or chasing sexual partners. We will calm our anxiety in the pleasure obtained from a good walk, rest, meditation, reading, good friendship, and the remedial passage of time. We will take holidays and book massages.
  • We will promise ourselves the delights of new experiences, either mentally, physically, relationally, or spiritually. In this way we connect to our mythological foundation as seekers of new worlds. We honor the fact that experiences are strong determinants of health, and that new adventure is the best immunization against depression and stagnation.

That’s it. Taking care of yourself may seem like a tall order, but once you start, you’ll begin to realize huge benefits, among them other people taking better care of you, too.

Sep 30, 2015 No Comments
What Happens When a Man Can’t Cry

What Happens When a Man Can’t Cry

Words For Men

To those who want to cry but can’t:  Here’s How.

Shower, 10:00pm. I feel the drizzling beads break against my skin, as refreshing negative ions burst into the air (negative ions are healthy; positive ions are not). My newly installed water purifier bulges out the base of my shower head, catching mercury, lead, pharmaceuticals, and a host of other things.

My neck hurts, and I make sure the flow is directed there. It’s been tight for a couple weeks, and all I’ve wanted to do is stretch it and massage it—which helps—but the pain always comes back. I imagine it could be an old whiplash injury, or the tilted plate at the back of my skull. Yet these seem far off. I sense something else is happening.

I recall that I’ve been trying to cry for weeks, making modest attempts here and there—most of them fruitless. Mostly, I try a few moans and press my thumb and middle finger into the corner of my eyes to encourage a few droplets to ring out. I can get the sounds out, even feel a pulse of melancholy in the pit of my solar plexus, but I know I have not actually shed tears or released the sadness that flows with them.

◊♦◊

It’s like this most of the time.

Why can’t I cry?  Why can’t we cry when we want to?

Crying is operationally defined when tears flow, when sounds flow, and to stop it is painful. Crying is an act that reaches a natural conclusion, like an avalanche loosed upon a slope after a critical tipping point of mass and momentum, before a mountain of snow settles on everything below.

◊♦◊

My crying hurt because it wasn’t crying, because it couldn’t start. Like the shower head, my neck was full of emotive muck. I’m blocked. I’m getting angry and losing energy more than usual. Not even the images of past hurts, betrayals, torn family, or deaths can spill me over to my grief. It’s as if I’d rather sleep, yell, fidget, or think really hard about something negative. Anything but cry (even though I want to)!

Eventually, with great relief, I did cry. Just after, the pain in my neck went away, and this is what I learned:

Crying is a commitment. While attempting to moan out a few liquid jewels, I realized my mind wandered, sometimes viciously, toward fantasies, sounds in the room, memories, sensations of the skin, or future anxieties. I realized that I had to take this seriously, and swallow the fact my commitment to cry can, in some ways, reflect my commitment to other ventures in my life that prove challenging. I knew I had to take it seriously and cut out the fringe material. The Zen art of crying.

Crying alone is something that takes time for many people. When I look back, my most potent watersheds took place in the company of others. There is something about the reflection of light off another person’s eye, or the way their face appears when they see you going for it. What I have found, without question, is that others are grateful for your tears. They want them, because it helps them feel human, like they are safe to be around, and it validates their own future tears. Sometimes having tears witnessed is more important than the tears themselves.

◊♦◊

To start, locate the epicenter within the body. Somatic Psychotherapy (a.k.a body centered psychotherapy) has risen to great heights in the past decade due to the fact that people are finding more health when they connect to this wonderful mass of tissue, bone, and nerve below their necks. If one wishes to wail, the “knot” must be located (usually in the torso or neck). One must become acutely aware of that spot, and unwaveringly step into it, like forging ahead on a journey.

I have heard that sadness works differently from gender to gender. It has been said that when men are angry, they are actually sad, and that the opposite is for women. I can’t say how true this is, but I can claim that anger has turned into sadness many times for me. When anger comes first, sometimes there is enough force there to swell a good cry, if you can sink into it.

The Western world is very mind/intellect oriented. Sometimes we need to find a specific thought, which acts like a key to shed tears. It could be “I really miss him or her,” or “I just wish that person could have loved me the way I wanted to be loved,” or “he or she was so mean to me, even after I gave them everything.”  There are thoughts that remove log jams and allow us to face our emotional reality through the portal of the mind.

What are your ways into tears?  Watching a certain movie? Visiting a beautiful spot in the countryside? Do your dreams help you to cry? I would love to hear from you.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Sep 02, 2015 No Comments
9 Meditations of a Divorced Man

9 Meditations of a Divorced Man

Words For Men

1. Loneliness can send you down one of two paths: the one of self-destruction where the pain of separation locks you to your TV, fleeting romances, or substances. You may not deteriorate into a pile of mush, or you may, but you will not grow, resentment increases, and the world of other people becomes more threatening. The other alternative leads to solitude, where one realizes that loneliness is actually a feeling, an odd uncomfortable one, and not an idea or fantasy to get lost in. Give your loneliness a fence. It is a wild animal, prone to escapism. During a wild outburst, hold strong that fence and let it tire out. Like a child on a whim, it will feel at first disappointed, but ultimately loved and contained, safe inside its boundaries.

2. Pain does not last forever. When the love of your life is no longer under the same roof, and there is no way to feel better about what might have happened differently, we simply have to take the ostrich head out of the hole and take on the sandy headwind. It may last for more than 90 seconds (unless you are a proficient meditator or are extremely active), but this whole forever thing is what got you into trouble in the first place, no? Approach pain like you would that last second before skydiving or eating a habanero pepper, with a tint of madness in the eye, and say “let’s do this.”    

3. Below the hurt, the anger, the regret, and the shame, this separation is fundamentally nothing else but granting you an opportunity to live the best life you can. You may have felt snippets of this hope. They will not last unless you water them with repetition and intimacy with yourself. It’s not easy switching your focus from your wife or your kids to your own heart, but this is really what it’s all about. Logic and explanations will eventually become clear, but life is attempting to defibrillate your dreams. Everyone benefits from this work, even your ex, and especially your kids.

4. We all have a doppleganger or two roaming around. They are people who look exactly like you. But know, during the walk of your life, you will meet someone who is your opposite and antithesis (Oppolganger). They may know you better than you know yourself at times. They may never be able to see the love and effort you give to them. There is a chance they will always think you are a terrible person. They have an astounding ability to feign empathy for others, except you. This person may be your ex.  Count it the greatest blessing in the world, for none other than they, will afford you the depth of inner work and self-reflection, and the opportunity to love yourself as they challenge that inflow at every turn. Your self love infuriates them, because they are unable to match it in themselves. They think it’s selfish. They make spiritual practice and inner work an imperative (deep bow of gratitude) rather than a hobby.

5. Spiritual practice, exercise (yoga!), retreat, diet, and creative expressions are veritably the corner stones of a blooming man. Divorce has sent ripples through the fabric of what I believe a man to be. Without a connection to my source, a radical awareness and devotion to my body, and an outlet for the Typhon-sized emotions that accumulate, the soul withers, the body becomes ill, and future relationships don’t receive the nurturance they require. 

6. Fathers are just as important as mothers. Do not let any belief deter you from being as fully engaged in your dreams and work, as you are with your children. There is no partiality in the parental title. Father’s are not an intrusion to the mother-child relationship (except in situations of abuse, etc, but that goes both ways). For some father’s, it may take time to work in a constant presence with their children due to the nature of their divorce. Everything does not need to happen right away.

7. Despite divorce, the marriage actually endures. Part of healing from divorce involves recognition that our partners are never really separated from us.  hey will live on in the faces of the people we meet, in memories of the places we visit, and in the gaze of our children. They come back in the attitudes and behaviors of our future partners. We must come to peace with the fact that as much as life is happening outside of us, much of what we encounter in the physical world is an opportunity to heal the past; to love through the past into the present.

8. Honesty is an investment. As you peer out from your grief-cave, and begin to meet other people, perhaps other lovers, you will notice that a good deal of time is required to heal from your divorce. That does not mean you have to sit alone everyday. Rebounding and exploring the scents of others is normal and healthy. Big but here. We must be honest that our healing process is in effect, and state what arenas of intimacy we are comfortable with at this time (physical, emotional, mental, friendship). We don’t need to come out and reveal our wounded wing, but we can be honest with just how much that wing can handle. Just because you are grieving does not mean you should not explore, just as long as you are not avoiding your grief by rebounding.

9. Fallowness. Fallowness describes farmland soil that is left broken for a long period of time, to ensure maximum yield of a future crop. Divorce may seem like an explosion of destructive forces. What they don’t tell you is that divorce is more like a plough, harrowing our path to ensure the fertility of the soul. Without this period of brokenness, any new seed that comes along will have less a chance to grow robust. It’s okay to sit, wait, and be broken for long periods of time, without the need to do.

Photo—Vinoth Chandar/Flickr

Jul 29, 2015 No Comments

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Jordan Kozey

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Jordan Kozey, MA - R. Psych. (provisional)

206 2445 Broad Street - Regina, SK - S4P0C7

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(306)581-4149

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